Sometimes, I want things to go back to the way they were but to me it seems impossible.
Believe me, I've tried. But I think that no matter what I do, it will never be the same again.
She's a changed person. Not the person I used to be close to. As to why and how we grew apart, I just can't figure it out. I always thought we were going to be the best of friends forever. But in my life, that has never happened so far. Every time I get too close to someone, and we become "BFFs", it never lasts. Ever. It's like a curse.
And I thought I was okay with it when we grew apart, that I don't care if it happens. I almost convinced myself that it's true. But it was all just made up. I can't lie to myself anymore.
I miss the good times when we were together, just the two if us. Then one day, she brought someone in and it became the three of us. I was totally comfortable with that. It was good. Then somehow the third person slipped away in a blink of an eye. We didn't grow apart, we just parted. And I'm totally clueless as to why that happened, too. I miss being close to her too ;(
I miss them.
And now they're close to some of these people. I know I'm nothing compared to them. They're fun people. And I'm just dull and boring. I know she feels very happy when she's with them. She feels at home, that she belongs.
I don't completely blame her. I'm not pointing fingers at any one, in fact. I ditched her on her birthday last year. But it was only out of fear of feeling left out, feeling completely out of place. And I know she cried about me ditching her and that makes me doubly sad. But being the coward I am, I just couldn't bring myself to join her on her birthday. I should have.
And this year, I can see she's trying to put an effort to be close with me again. I'm trying to, too. I really, truly hope it works out.
And I cried all through typing this and I look terrible.
Anis L.
