Random musings, pending thoughts

How many times have we been led on only to be disappointed? It could be anyone, a family member, a friend, a lover.

"Honesty is the best policy." A statement overrated in terms of its usage, yet underrated in terms of its application. No, it's not okay to lie to your kids, leading them on to make them do something, even if it's something good; e.g: "Eat your vegetables or the evil witch lady will come and haunt you.". It is not okay to lie about your grades just to save your ass. It is not okay to lie to a partner even if it's to protect them. It's a simple concept which isn't very hard to grasp: nobody likes being lied to.

But I'm sure each one of us has told a white lie, no? It could be something as simple as saying you have taken out the trash when you actually forgot to do so. It seems harmless, am I not right? But I'll let you in on a little not-so-secret truth about lying: it becomes habit. When we are so used to telling lies, it's always there on the tip of our tongues.


"Big deal, so I lied to save my ass. So what? It's not like anyone got killed."


It's someone's trust that you lose. It's your dignity that you put in jeopardy. Your integrity, your morals. It is you who dies a little inside with each lie. So, do yourself a favour and keep your honesty in check. Man up to face the consequences of your actions because lying to save your ass is the saddest, most pathetic kind of cowardice. Be honest because the only person you'd be lying to is yourself.

"Two"

Here is something I wrote a while back, a poem. Found it through my old stuff. Just thought I wanted to share this.

"Two"

Ever so unsure

Indecision filled my being

I am contented

But I doubt that you are

Mere mortals we are

Foolish, confused

Left in the dark

To seek His light

A long way ahead

With you for company

I shall walk

Through bright days

Passing stormy nights

The end

I cannot foresee

And I shall not assume

What is to be

Not to be blamed

For such short-thinking and confusion

For we have failed to see

Through the veils

Clouded eyes

Will we leave this unscathed?

I doubt it

Do we care?

Long have we ceased to

But for the other

A tale of two fools

You might say

They are but

For the age of innocence

Have made them just

Vulnerable

Seeking the other

What a tale of

Such foolish mortals be told

"I'm only human."

Flawed all over, that is me.

I am terribly sensitive. I hurt. I listen, but I never know how to properly respond. I am not good with words. Please don't make this any harder for me. Please understand the position I am in.

Connected

Another talent I wish I had. Painting.

So, I just got myself broadband to bring back to Kuantan. I will (definitely) be more active online and (hopefully) constantly updating my blog. Although, I usually lack of brilliant things to post here. I just get those moments when I'm inspired to write every once in a while, and I have been smart enough to strike when the opportunity comes.

I was just thinking about it and I realized how I have no actual talent. Which is a depressing realization. Some are just born with it all. And others, like me, just don't have it. Despite being the shy and introvert person I am, I'd say that I have given myself a fair shot at different things. One thing I've always loved doing, ever since I was a little girl, is singing. I had dreams of becoming an actual singer, but I was always so timid and shy. When I grew up, I realized that I do not have the talent to sing. To be fair to myself, I am not tone deaf. I do not sing out of tune or anything, but there is nothing special about my voice.

When I was 7 years old, I picked up ballet, by pure accident. I had thought that I was just registering for a normal or modern dance class. Only when we started classes did I realize what I signed up for. Ballet was certainly fun, but after a while, it was tiring. Back then, school finished at about 3.15 p.m. and then we would have to stay back once a week, on Mondays, until 5 p.m. I would reach home at 5.30 p.m. or so because of the distance of the school from my house. It was tiring. And torturing. Ballet, or just about any form of dance, is all about discipline. With ballet, flexibility and grace is the key. All that bending about sure did hurt. We also had to always tuck our buttocks and stomachs in. Our feet pointed to perfection. When I was 9 years old, the classes were no longer available at my school. I had to go to a nearby clubhouse and that further discouraged me. And so, I decided to forget about it. A decision that I didn't know I would regret up until today. I never even took a single examination.

Then when I switched schools, I was actively involved in sports, namely athletic events, netball and handball. Not that we were good enough to win anything (my school was a new school), but I definitely tried. But it didn't last very long. When I entered secondary school, I just couldn't join athletic events any more because I would always feel out of breath every time I ran. It probably has something to do with my sinus condition. When I was in Form 1, I tried out for my sports house cheerleading. I made the team, most probably because of my incredibly small size back then. Hence, I was made the flyer. You know, the person on top of the pyramid. Somehow, I developed a fear of heights. Which was funny, because I used to be fearless. As a little girl, I climbed rooftops. But when I was made the flyer, I was just so scared of falling when I was up there. And it was only the basic elevator, not even an extension. So again, I pulled out. When I tried again the following year, I was made the supporter, a position I was comfortable with. But I wasn't an exceptionally talented dancer. I took time to pick up dance moves, it didn't just come to me naturally like it did to most people who were born to dance. Which brought me to the conclusion that dancing is something I enjoy, but am not actually talented in.

Then there is public speaking, which, as the name suggests, includes everything that has to do with speaking in public. The first time I had to speak in public was when I participated in an inter-class storytelling competition in Standard 1. My knees were shaking like crazy, and I just couldn't continue with my story! Then I just got off from the stage, embarrassed. Talk about stage fright. I was just completely freaked out by the thought, and the actual situation of every single person in the room paying full attention to me. My second attempt was a public speaking competition when I was in Standard 4. My prepared speech was bad enough, because I was kind of stuttering from nervousness. Then came the dreaded impromptu session, which I totally screwed up, because nervousness and stage fright doesn't help when you're unprepared. When I was in Standard 6, I entered a Bahasa Melayu public speaking competition, and I got just a teensy bit better. Good enough to get 4th place in the zone level, just a few points behind the 2nd runner up. I only got the chance to really polish up my skills when I was invited to join debate in Form 4. That was life-changing, I swear. I confronted my fear of speaking in public, almost completely. In Form 4, I was also involved in a lot of emceeing for school events and also for the zone level public speaking competition. When I was in Form 5, I participated in the duet acting event for ISKL's SEA Forensics, and well, stage fright aside, I am not really a talented actor. Despite having been on television for about six times now, ever since I was five years old, none of my stints actually required acting skills, except for maybe the last one.

I've tried writing too. But I never have ideas to write a fiction. Nothing long enough to turn into a novel. Most short stories I write (for SPM) are my versions of stories I've read. I have never come up with something purely original and genius. Even more saddening, as you can judge from the consistency of my blogging, I barely know what to write about myself!

I have no qualms or fears about performing in public anymore. I shall shamelessly admit that I love being in the spotlight. There's always that jittery feeling in my stomach everytime before I perform. But when I'm on stage, out there, all the fears and worries just disappear. I assume a different character. I feel alive. Having said that, even with such confidence, I still don't believe that I possess any actual talent. I am not much of a singer, or a dancer, or an athlete, or a sportswoman, or an actor, or a speaker, or a writer, or, well, anything. So, what am I good at? What is my true calling?

If you actually read this up until the end, well, you've surprised me. Thank you for having read everything I have to say, and I am terribly sorry for having wasted your precious time with my petty ramblings. Truly, I am. But it's nice to know that someone cares. Even out of pity.

Young love

I was always so sceptical about love and relationships, particularly young love. I always thought, what's the point?


It's not like you can be certain he/she is going to be the one you're going to marry. 

It's not like it's real. 

He only likes her because she's hot. She only likes him because he's cute.

It wouldn't last.

And here I am, years later. Nineteen and madly in love. What is love? Hell, I'm not sure if anyone knows how to define it. Is it the feeling of fondness for someone special? Is it when you're willing to do anything for that one person? Is it when you know he/she is the one you're going to marry?

What do I think? Love is subjective. There is no wrong definition of love. That's the beauty of it. Love is always right. I know most people would say I'm just another lovestruck teenager. Those older might think I'm just young and reckless. Those older might say I am young and I know nothing about what love is. Here is my question to them: You're claiming you know what love is then?

It just feels right. He makes me happy. He makes me sad. He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. I don't know if he's the one I'm going to marry. I don't know how much time I would have with him. It could last forever, it could end tomorrow. I do know that I don't want to wait and wonder when I can find out right now. I love him and it doesn't have to make any sense.

Here's to young love everywhere.

What can I say? I've fucked up big time. And it's time to face it like a man.

Lately, it's becoming my frequently used word

I have a test I should be studying for. But as long as I don't get this out somehow, there would be no point in pretending to study.

I trusted you. I trusted you without a doubt. But you keep on lying to me. Making a fool out of me. What am I to you, really? Do I even mean anything to you? What we have, as you say, doesn't it mean anything to you? I expected you to at least have the balls to admit it, instead of blaming it on someone else. Lying to me again. How am I supposed to believe anything you've ever told me? Anything you're telling me? Anything you're going to tell me? I am an idiot. You're a fucker.

And you, I'm sure you're probably still weirded out. I just thought I should apologize for thinking the worst of you, and I am sorry. At least I have the balls. Although it does take two to tango, and I did expect you to maybe apologize. But I'll leave that up to you.

You want me to say something? Fuck you.

Your hands are mine to hold

Please understand that you drive me crazy. It's like I'm falling in love with you over and over again.
Please understand that I am fragile. Keep that in mind.
Please understand that I love everything about you. Every little detail.
Please understand that I am here to stay. I hope you would do the same for me.
Please understand that I am missing you. Screw the distance.
Please understand that you are precious to me. Take good care of yourself for me when I can't do so.
Please understand that I love all the little things you do to me, with me, for me. You know what I am talking about.
Please understand that I love you. Truly, I do.

Hello again readers! That is, assuming I have readers. Things have not been good lately. I am miserable, with the occasional happy moments with my housemates. This place is a hellhole. I want out.

I miss him so much.

Fuck.

Giving in to the madness

I might actually go insane and start eating people up.

I screwed up. And I am probably going to screw up again.

I am sorry for everything, everyone. Please forgive me for being the way I am.

I need a way out.

"Sir, it's not my fault, 'cause you know we're not the same."

This is what I had for lunch (Y). But that's not what I really want to say.

What I am about to explain in this post is the same thing I would tell every single one of you if you ever have the guts to confront me. This is my side of the whole issue. The truth. Plain and honest.

Where do I even begin? I was flattered, to be very honest. I never knew you people were stalking me. Checking out my profile. That you people were so concerned about me. I appreciate it.

I never wanted this for myself. Period. I try to adapt. You can't say I don't try. But no, I am not happy here. And it's not like I have much of a choice. Don't make me hate it even more that I already do. If you're so interested in my personal life, look at my much older posts. Way before you people came to know me. That was the person I was and still very much am. I can't change that about myself.

I respect your principles. It's not like I don't. I cover up all the time here. Maybe not perfectly, but I do try my best. I am really new to all this. It's been what, just four months? I am a completely different person here, and a different person back home. I don't mix those two people I am. I do feel like a big fat faketard, a hypocrite. But out of respect for the system, I follow, if ever unwillingly. I respect the system.

So please respect my principles. One thing I will never do is change for someone else. I will never do that. I am me. Stubborn, hard-headed and headstrong. I won't change myself just to make you people happy, to satisfy you. These online channels are where I can express myself however I wish to. What I post online, my private life, what goes on beyond this place, you can't control. You can't force me to change. Just, no. It's my right what I choose to do outside of this place. With all due respect, please respect my privacy.

Maybe I will change one of these days. Willingly, when I am ready. Godwilling, I will. Until then, please respect my right and privacy and just drop this issue. Thank you.

It's nothing personal. It's just internal.

Please tell me why

Why do you like to evoke my anger? It is a big deal. Maybe not to you. It's not something you can just randomly discuss or joke about. Just, no. Especially after what you've done. What you told me. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to know what goes on in that twisted mind of yours. It's just sickening at times. Such as times like these.

"Baby, I was born this way"

This is epic. Period.

What far, far way

I just had to be so curious. I just had to know. I just had to subject myself to misery and pain.

It's funny how when you choose to believe something so badly, you actually will, regardless of whether you should or shouldn't. I believe that you love me, I do. I just can't understand how or why you could have done such a thing. It's been weeks since you told me. But I can't let it go. I just can't. Just not yet.

But I know that I love you. I swear, I do.

I am here to stay

"Don't leave me."

"Let me go."

"You promised not to leave me."

"Let me go."

"Promise me you won't leave me first."

"Let me go!"

"Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I can't lose you."

Because you got me thinking

I miss all of you. I miss you. Your everything.

I want to turn back time

What we had is better than nothing at all.

Insomnia

I've only had about three hours of sleep, probably less than that. I can't sleep. A childhood friend of mine, Tijan, is leaving for UK today. I wish you all the best and do take good care of yourself over there :)

Anyway, her departure got me thinking, hence the insomnia. In two years time, if I can't change my course somehow, I'll be off to Jordan.

I am not happy about it. I am not happy about any of this. The past three months, the next two years. I never signed up for this. And I don't like talking about it because all it makes me is miserable. All it makes me want to do is curse. So, I will refrain from making comments on why I am not happy about this whole course so as to not say the wrong things.

Why does it have to be so hard? I can never have it easy.

It has been months, no kidding

I am back (?). It has been a really long time since the last update. Turns out we did have WiFi at the serviced apartment we were staying in, but we weren't allowed to use it. Like, how awesome is that?

So, clearly I didn't exactly have the time of my life there. Hence, I'm not really psyched when I talk about it. It wasn't the worst thing, but I don't wish to elaborate on it.

What's worst is I've even lost my flow for writing. But hey, at least I'm updating this dusty old blog of mine :)))))

Will be writing more when I do have internet there, I hope!

Anis L

Today's the day

I'm going away. Or I hope not. I hope there will be internet there. Please let there be internet.

The start of a new day. The start of a new beginning.

Wish me luck!
And friends, I'll always love you guys muah muah <3