What can I say? I've fucked up big time. And it's time to face it like a man.

Lately, it's becoming my frequently used word

I have a test I should be studying for. But as long as I don't get this out somehow, there would be no point in pretending to study.

I trusted you. I trusted you without a doubt. But you keep on lying to me. Making a fool out of me. What am I to you, really? Do I even mean anything to you? What we have, as you say, doesn't it mean anything to you? I expected you to at least have the balls to admit it, instead of blaming it on someone else. Lying to me again. How am I supposed to believe anything you've ever told me? Anything you're telling me? Anything you're going to tell me? I am an idiot. You're a fucker.

And you, I'm sure you're probably still weirded out. I just thought I should apologize for thinking the worst of you, and I am sorry. At least I have the balls. Although it does take two to tango, and I did expect you to maybe apologize. But I'll leave that up to you.

You want me to say something? Fuck you.

Your hands are mine to hold

Please understand that you drive me crazy. It's like I'm falling in love with you over and over again.
Please understand that I am fragile. Keep that in mind.
Please understand that I love everything about you. Every little detail.
Please understand that I am here to stay. I hope you would do the same for me.
Please understand that I am missing you. Screw the distance.
Please understand that you are precious to me. Take good care of yourself for me when I can't do so.
Please understand that I love all the little things you do to me, with me, for me. You know what I am talking about.
Please understand that I love you. Truly, I do.

Hello again readers! That is, assuming I have readers. Things have not been good lately. I am miserable, with the occasional happy moments with my housemates. This place is a hellhole. I want out.

I miss him so much.

Fuck.

Giving in to the madness

I might actually go insane and start eating people up.

I screwed up. And I am probably going to screw up again.

I am sorry for everything, everyone. Please forgive me for being the way I am.

I need a way out.

"Sir, it's not my fault, 'cause you know we're not the same."

This is what I had for lunch (Y). But that's not what I really want to say.

What I am about to explain in this post is the same thing I would tell every single one of you if you ever have the guts to confront me. This is my side of the whole issue. The truth. Plain and honest.

Where do I even begin? I was flattered, to be very honest. I never knew you people were stalking me. Checking out my profile. That you people were so concerned about me. I appreciate it.

I never wanted this for myself. Period. I try to adapt. You can't say I don't try. But no, I am not happy here. And it's not like I have much of a choice. Don't make me hate it even more that I already do. If you're so interested in my personal life, look at my much older posts. Way before you people came to know me. That was the person I was and still very much am. I can't change that about myself.

I respect your principles. It's not like I don't. I cover up all the time here. Maybe not perfectly, but I do try my best. I am really new to all this. It's been what, just four months? I am a completely different person here, and a different person back home. I don't mix those two people I am. I do feel like a big fat faketard, a hypocrite. But out of respect for the system, I follow, if ever unwillingly. I respect the system.

So please respect my principles. One thing I will never do is change for someone else. I will never do that. I am me. Stubborn, hard-headed and headstrong. I won't change myself just to make you people happy, to satisfy you. These online channels are where I can express myself however I wish to. What I post online, my private life, what goes on beyond this place, you can't control. You can't force me to change. Just, no. It's my right what I choose to do outside of this place. With all due respect, please respect my privacy.

Maybe I will change one of these days. Willingly, when I am ready. Godwilling, I will. Until then, please respect my right and privacy and just drop this issue. Thank you.

It's nothing personal. It's just internal.

Please tell me why

Why do you like to evoke my anger? It is a big deal. Maybe not to you. It's not something you can just randomly discuss or joke about. Just, no. Especially after what you've done. What you told me. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to know what goes on in that twisted mind of yours. It's just sickening at times. Such as times like these.

"Baby, I was born this way"

This is epic. Period.

What far, far way

I just had to be so curious. I just had to know. I just had to subject myself to misery and pain.

It's funny how when you choose to believe something so badly, you actually will, regardless of whether you should or shouldn't. I believe that you love me, I do. I just can't understand how or why you could have done such a thing. It's been weeks since you told me. But I can't let it go. I just can't. Just not yet.

But I know that I love you. I swear, I do.

I am here to stay

"Don't leave me."

"Let me go."

"You promised not to leave me."

"Let me go."

"Promise me you won't leave me first."

"Let me go!"

"Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I can't lose you."

Because you got me thinking

I miss all of you. I miss you. Your everything.

I want to turn back time

What we had is better than nothing at all.

Insomnia

I've only had about three hours of sleep, probably less than that. I can't sleep. A childhood friend of mine, Tijan, is leaving for UK today. I wish you all the best and do take good care of yourself over there :)

Anyway, her departure got me thinking, hence the insomnia. In two years time, if I can't change my course somehow, I'll be off to Jordan.

I am not happy about it. I am not happy about any of this. The past three months, the next two years. I never signed up for this. And I don't like talking about it because all it makes me is miserable. All it makes me want to do is curse. So, I will refrain from making comments on why I am not happy about this whole course so as to not say the wrong things.

Why does it have to be so hard? I can never have it easy.

It has been months, no kidding

I am back (?). It has been a really long time since the last update. Turns out we did have WiFi at the serviced apartment we were staying in, but we weren't allowed to use it. Like, how awesome is that?

So, clearly I didn't exactly have the time of my life there. Hence, I'm not really psyched when I talk about it. It wasn't the worst thing, but I don't wish to elaborate on it.

What's worst is I've even lost my flow for writing. But hey, at least I'm updating this dusty old blog of mine :)))))

Will be writing more when I do have internet there, I hope!

Anis L

Today's the day

I'm going away. Or I hope not. I hope there will be internet there. Please let there be internet.

The start of a new day. The start of a new beginning.

Wish me luck!
And friends, I'll always love you guys muah muah <3

Procrastination is my best friend

I know I need to redesign the template. But I have not the mood to do so.

So it's going to look fugly for a bit. Bear with me! (:

Great Day

Had a lovely day with my lovelies!

Thank you guys <3

Cikgu Kecik

So, the question everyone has been asking me,

"What was it like, teaching?"

Well, it was unexpected, that's what it was. Never in my life had I even thought that my first post-SPM job was going to be as a teacher. But I do not regret taking the job. It was a great learning experience. Yes, I was teaching, but at the very same time, I was also learning from my students.

I would like to thank all the classes I taught, 3S, 3Y, 5S1 and 5A2, for their support and cooperation throughout my three weeks on the job.

"Take whatever chances life throws in your way as you don't know which ones won't come knocking on your door for a second time."

Go Easy, Don't Rush Me

I am addicted to this song. It has been on replay for at least ten times.

And the video is amazing. Enough said.

You push me

I don't have the strength to

Resist or control you

So take me down, take me down

You hurt me

But do I deserve this?

You make me so nervous

Calm me down, calm me down

Wake you up

In the middle of the night to say

I will never walk away again

I'm never gonna leave this bed

So come here

And never leave this place

Perfection of your face

Slows me down, slows me down

So fall down

I need you to trust me

Go easy don't rush me

Help me out. Why don't you help me out?

Wake you up

In the middle of the night to say

I'll never walk away again

I'm never gonna leave this bed

So you say go, it isn't working

And I say no, it isn't perfect

So I'll stay instead

I'm never gonna leave this bed

Take it, take it all. Take all that I have

I'd give it all away just to get you back

And fake it, fake it, I'll take what I can get

Knocking so loud, can you hear me, yeah?

Try to walk away but you can't forget

Wake you up

In the middle of the night to say

I'll never walk away again

I'm never gonna leave this bed

So you say go, it isn't working

And I say no, it isn't perfect

So I'll stay instead

I'm never gonna leave this bed

Take it, take it all. Take all that I have

Take it, take it all. Take all that I have

Take it, take it all. Take all that I have

Take it, take it all. Take all that I have

Take it, take it all. Take all that I have

Take it, take it all. Take all that I have

Take it, take it all. Take all that I have

Taking Chances

This is, as Adlinur mentioned, the first time I am taking chances in my life.

I can't be sure how it will turn out on the whole.

But hey, I guess that is what taking chances is all about.

I'm Much Stronger Than You Take Me For

Survive?

I'm gonna fcking fly.

You Have No Idea

"So? Fck she cares?"

The fck I do.

Your Song

"Your Song" by Ellie Goulding. Originally by Elton John, this is a beautiful cover.
And I love the video.

It's Only A Matter Of Time

I am not sick. More like sad.

I lie to you all the time. And each time, I just hope that the lies will come true.
Or that at least I can continue living under the pretense that it is true.

That I really don't mind.

That I'm really okay.

That I really am strong.

That it is all fine.

Because the truth is, without you, none of it is true. I know I can't expect you to always be with me. But I wish you were. It is selfish, I know.

But being apart hurts.
Not being able to do anything about it kills.

I wish I wasn't so helpless.

I'm sorry.

Glee/Picasion

As Tumblr users would know, GIFs are all over Tumblr.

So after consulting my ever-so-trustworthy-'friend' on the internet, Google, I found this website called Picasion where you can create animated GIFs online without having to download any software or register for any membership and such. And it's also relatively easy to use.

You can give it a try at http://www.picasion.com/

Oh, and here is the GIF I made and posted on Tumblr:

Tumblr-ing!

So I'm like betraying Blogger.

Weeheehee.

So, a few weeks ago, I decided to sign back into my Tumblr after ages of not doing so. I tried to use Tumblr to replace Blogger for blogging before, but it wasn't so nice. It just wasn't the same. Hence, the resurrection of my Blogger. But after spending the last couple of days on Tumblr, I found that I was enjoying all the reblogging and stuff of nice pictures and quotes. Needless to say, I am probably going to spend hours doing just that.

Do check out my Tumblr blog. Oh, and do follow :)

http://www.seventeenohsix.tumblr.com/


updated (18/10/11)
my current tumblr url is http://www.bedhairforever.tumblr.com/ ;)

It Is Never Enough

Screwed up life.

I have never felt this scared in my entire seventeen years and 7 months of life.

Never.

All I can do now is pray.

I Want To Marry This Guy

We don't see this too often. True love.

I watched this on TV and I cried again when I watched it online.

What really touched me was when the clip of her accepting his proposal was shown. And when he said, "What kind of guy would I be if I walked out when she needed me the most?"

And I guess what really moved me to tears was when Steven Tyler said,"I just heard your fiance sing. And he's so good. You know, because he sings to you all the time. I could tell. I swear he sings so good because he sings to you."

Probably the most beautiful scene I have ever watched on American Idol.

Bittersweet

I know when I'm not wanted.

At Sweet Night

I can't wait to get the hell out of here.

There's Nothing Wrong With Being Wrong

So, what's up with the smiling giraffe? Read on.

I remember posting this as my status on Facebook which was liked by quite a number of people:

"There's nothing wrong with being wrong."

The status was actually directed at someone. This someone will always make sure your mistakes are noted of, while (s)he will never admit it when (s)he is at fault.

Making mistakes. We all do it. As the saying goes, to err is human, to forgive is divine. No one is perfect but we all can learn a little something from our mistake, or from the mistake of others. Those of us who have made a mistake should learn from it. While the rest of us should learn to forgive and forget.

You're probably wondering, what has this to do with the smiling giraffe up there?

Yesterday, my mum asked me to apply shoe whitener on Adlinur's school shoes. She was ironing some clothes. So she was ironing Adlinur's t-shirt, which had the picture of a giraffe on it.

Mummy: How come Adlinur wanted to buy this t-shirt?
Me: Hey, the giraffe is cute.
Mummy: So, is it giraffe or girrrrrrrrrraffe? *laughs*
Me: Dude, that was like ten years ago! Get over it, will you? *laughs too*

What was ten years ago, you ask? Well, when I was in lower primary, we always had spelling tests and dictations. I usually scored full marks for both but occasionally, I made silly mistakes. So in one of the tests, one of the words tested was 'giraffe', and I spelled it as 'girraffe'. Now, back when I was younger, my mum often went through my homework and school stuff. She started a joke out of it, and often teased me by saying girrrrrrrrraffe, rolling her 'R's everytime she said it. As a young child, I hated making mistakes, and hated it even more when I was reminded of my mistakes.

And my mum never failed to remind me.

Every time we came across the word, she would remind me of 'girrrrrrrrraffe'. I did not like it at all. But because of that little joke of hers, each time I have to spell 'giraffe', I would remember her saying 'girrrrrrrrraffe', and I would remember that there is only one 'R' in giraffe.

See? I never made the same mistake again. And I guess I have my mum to thank for that.

Don't run from mistakes. Learn from them. You'll be amazed at how even the littlest of your mistakes can teach you life's biggest lessons.

I shall end this post with another status I posted on Facebook:

"Everyone should be given the right to make their own mistakes."

Oh Momma

I have no regrets.

Bye Bye, Colourful Retard!

So, I imported my previous blog's entries into this one. So yeah, go on, click on the archives and have fun laughing at my prepubescent phase rantings.

I did.

Kiss Your Way Thin

Came across this while reading a book:

"Passionately kiss your partner ten times a day. According to the Kinsley Institute New Report on Sex, a passionate kiss burns 6.4 calories per minute. Ten minutes a day of kissing equates to about 23000 calories - or 3.5 kilos - a year!"

Pretty scientific, but so cool.

Not that I need to lose any weight. But, hey, why not?

Hehehe.

And This Is What It Feels Like

When nothing feels right.

Hello

I want to talk to you.

Please.

Make Me Stay

I'm not mad at you. I can tell you that much.

I'm just confused.

I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel.

I need time to clear my head up.

Sharing Is Caring?

"Why are you crying?"

"Nothing. It's none of your business."

"What are you talking about? Of course it's my business."

"No it's not. Now go away."

"Now, how would I know what's wrong if you don't tell me?"

"Well you never listen."

"You never tell me things."


You know, I wish I could talk to you guys without being judged. I wish I could talk you people and have you actually listen to me rather than cut me off. I wish I could talk to you guys and actually have what I say make a difference.

But it never does.

I Cried When I Heard This

When the sun came up,
We were sleeping in,
Sunk inside our blankets,
Sprawled across the bed,
And we were dreaming,

There are moments when,
When I know it and
The world revolves around us,
And we're keeping it,
Keep it all going,
This delicate balance,
Vulnerable all knowing,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, kill for this

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, you would...

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything,
we're glad for what we've got,
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out right in front of us,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, you would....

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything.

I Want!

So I googleimaged the word 'glasses' for fun, then I came across this picture of Tina Fey from the show "3os Rock". I remembered how I so very much wanted this pair of glasses which her character wears, and I still want it! But unfortunately, I have not found one like this.

I WANT IT
:(

New Start?

So this is the first post of 2011.

Resolutions? Have never been one to make them.
When I do make them, they are almost never completed. Oh well, I am lazy like that.

Okay, so maybe I have one new resolution. That is to gain some weight to achieve a healthier BMI. That would prove to be a challenge. Not that I have any eating disorders or whatever, but it is terribly hard for me to gain weight.

Maybe another resolution? I will try to make the best of 2011, whatever comes my way. Which would be a bigger challenge than the previous, so I would need to grow mentally and spiritually.

So, talking about new beginnings, I had a new pair of glasses made yesterday. Yes,we went all the way to the Tun Hussein Onn National Eye Hospital in PJ just to have our glasses made because we are cool like that muahahahaha. My power did not increase by much, but my glasses are badly scratched. I chose a biggish, brownish frame. Not sure if I chose the right one though :/ Oh well, shall be getting them by next week. I'm sort of trying to revamp myself for the start of a new phase in my life (Pffftt). Maybe I shall get a haircut next? We'll see.

It's kinda late, but happy new year, everyone! May you achieve your goals for this year and may we all succeed in being the best that we can be.